I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
