Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
