Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
