And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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