Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
