Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
