Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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