Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We need a shit load of segways right now
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
