We named our party play list daddy issues
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
