we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My cat gives me a boner
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
