I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
