I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
her facebook's as public as her vagina
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
