My pussy is not your playground.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All I want is dick and wine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
