Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
