last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
