Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
