You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
