How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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