my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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