My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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