im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
