My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
