Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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