If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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