Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
