i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
