Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I puked a lego.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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