you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
