How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
