And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
