he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
