My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
