He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
