I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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