i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
