Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
