I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He passed out mid-signature
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
