Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
