So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
