My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
