i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
