Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
