sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
