is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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