garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
