can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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