she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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