Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
