she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
