Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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